Some Gut-Wrenching, Soul-Spilling Truth

Dreams keep some unhappy folk alive. At least, it seems that way to me. I’ve always stated that posting things on the web is akin to shouting your business on the street corner for all to hear. However, now I feel like sharing some things that I’ve been keeping close for many moons.

Who knew that a bad job could ruin so much of your life? I am downright miserable, and I fear bordering on depressed. It all happened so fast just over a year ago. I was working on a temp job that I really enjoyed, but I needed that first, after-college, permanent position. At this point, I should mention that the last few semesters of college, I realized that my current interests did not match where my degree was headed. However, I was past the point of no return, so I finished school, and took a temp job while looking for permanent work.

With no success, I applied and interviewed for many positions. A position that looked that it would use both of my majors showed up, and though I was sick of applying at the time, I shot off a resume and cover letter on a whim. In just a few days, I received a call for an interview. The interview went fairly well, and I was called for a second interview. Another couple of days went past, and I received the job offer.

This is where things started to get a little hairy. They offered me a great starting salary, the job seemed to be something that I could enjoy, and the benefits were really good. Still, in my gut, I sensed something was off, and I had the strong urge to turn down this offer. But everyone around me seemed to think this was a good thing for me. I thought that perhaps I had a fear of success issue going on, so I accepted the job.

The changes began gradually. The hours were slightly later than what I worked before. I had to deal with full-on rush hour traffic, which made a significant difference in the time I arrived home. It’s cut into the time I get to spend with my husband and my daughter. I used to arrive home a little after five most evenings, giving a chance to get dinner on the table right around six, and the rest of the evening to do family things. Now, I get home well after six on a good night, shoving dinner to around seven, and not much time to do things with the family afterward. My daughter doesn’t sleep as well as she used to because she stays up later now to get time in with Mommy.

I was told during my interview that there was all kinds of documentation about the work in my position. That was a pretty deceptive statement. There is a bunch of information there, but almost of all of it is results. There’s very little in the way of background information. Work instructions for the activities in her position were along the lines of: Open the file, update the file, and send to the following people for review. That’s it. I later learned that the person in my previous position like to hoard information, thought her job was really special and was secretive about it, and didn’t get along with the manager. Nobody seemed to really know what she did or how she did it. Which sucked for me.

It has become more and more clear that I have a passive aggressive manager as well. I won’t go into the specifics there, but other things have happened that bother me. For example, I get told to do one thing, do that, and then learn that this person expected something totally different, but never managed to communicate or clarify that important little tidbit. Or, I was recently chastized because the boss wanted something done as this one type of activity, when come to find out, the person wanted done as another, despite what was written on the piece of paper given to me. I was supposed to know what was wanted (I’m supposed to be telepathic?) and do it that way. Next time I needed to just take care of those things.

Which thoroughly infuriated me because I take pride in doing things the right way, and if I’d known in the beginning what was really wanted, it would have been handled. I really like doing things the right way the first time.

The stress of this job has been steadily growing, and I think I’ve reached the point where I can say that there isn’t enough money to make me stay. It’s ridiculous. I’ve given up valuable time with my family for a job that leaves me feeling frustrated and upset most days. If I’m going to be sacrificing something as important to me as my family time, it’d damn well better be worth it, and this job isn’t. I like my coworkers and everything, but it’s just too much. It’s in a field that I realized I never wanted to be in, and it’s not even enjoyable most of the time.

As soon as this second child arrives, I’ll be looking for something different. I’ve finally realized how important my family is to me, and I don’t want lose that. It’s time for change and I’m ready to do it. I just have to figure out what direction I’m heading into. Being the primary breadwinner makes the decisions I make very important. So we’ll see what the future holds.